I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo