I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
These work great until they don’t.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do