Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My teenage children choosing violence
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂