DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
You Might Also Like
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
calling in to work dehydrated
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after