*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
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ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.