[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist