And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.