Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
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Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
this is so top tier i cant
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Lube but for my dry humor.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”