When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Cndnsd Mlk
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
screw you
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
incredible book dedication
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.