You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
this is funnier than any friends episode
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
When you kidnap a writer.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”