[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.