Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.