I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.