I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN