“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.