*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny