you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.