my lower back watching me try to live my life
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
This cat wants you to take your pills
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave