“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
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Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]