It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
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How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I love you…
…r dog.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
My daily affirmation
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians