[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
i actually laughed 😩
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok