My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Midwest trash talk
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
m’lady
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh