the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT