HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I put the mess in domestic.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.