When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.