Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
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Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My dog ate my work from home.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
be careful
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”