I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Selfie
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?