Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it