*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
wtf is a larm clock?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand