If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
馃槜馃挩
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So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
can鈥檛 bark with your mouth full
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I鈥檓 okay. Thanks.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can鈥檛 comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 馃槀
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here鈥檚 the teeth y鈥檃ll pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who鈥檚 telling the truth
If there鈥檚 a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Kids don鈥檛 like to go to bed, and that鈥檚 how you know that they鈥檙e stupid.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it鈥檚 called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks