1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
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I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.