Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Dune (2021)
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?