I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
getting groceries
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this