My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
selfie game
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Wednesday
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.