When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus