What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
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[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
🤣
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.