[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away