“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
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coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.