A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?