Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee