I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.