Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
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During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
checking out some reviews of my local library
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this