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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.