[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single