A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
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Sunday
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
*offers Batman cough drops*
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by