“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
when revenge coincides with naptime
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Happy weekend !