Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
S/o to @funTweeters .
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.