‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.