It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong