My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
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Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
why isn’t he texting back
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.